Cherry from Upstate
Cousin of love and hate
Carved in Central Park
Spring 2003

Time to wade in the river
Time to come together

Silently like shapes and forms

It seems as if we are confronting a powerful and old survival mentality, a collective fear based competition where whoever has the biggest gun or bank account survives and thrives while others struggle or perish.

The costs are getting so great, the horrors becoming so real, and the suffering so tangible - we are being forced by the nature of things to find new ways of relating in the world.

Our first job is to get beyond an old paradigm for dealing with conflict.

War, fighting and violence is part of an old species adaption to the trials and tribulations of life. It is part of who we are, and unless something dramatically shifts, it will part of who we become.

This does not mean that we surrender to this old way of doing things - particularly if we see it’s threatening our survival. Instead, we use it as a starting point for the intentional evolution of a new human relationship with conflict.

Our over-reliance on fighting, warring and violence to ensure survival is not working. What began as environmental adaptation and survival mechanism has turned into deadly disease.

In essence, the thinking goes—attacks call for stronger and more aggressive counter-attacks for fear of looking weak or being defeated, destroyed or annihilated.

This paradigm is an understandable adaptation - knowing the history of human violence, warfare and oppression - seeing the human capacity for genocide - allowing for the human attraction to hatred and greed - but it’s time to evolve.

Our fear-based attack and counter-attack approach snowballs conflict. Even if attacks are justified, they are mostly ineffective over the long term. Aggression begets aggression. An eye for an eye becomes the norm and then our way of being. Which is where we are right now - conflict inefficient and morally corrupt.

Culturally, we attack problems and conflicts - our answer is to fight and hope for a win where the enemy is demoralized or obliterated.

But that’s not how things work. What we put out comes back - even if we see short-term benefits we’ll see long term costs to fighting and aggression.

We’re obsessed with warring and obsessed with running away from it.

And not just in America - it’s everywhere on a worldwide basis - we’ve got a global fighting culture that’s also in numbing denial of the huge costs of our individual and collective approaches to conflict.

We know the history of war and fighting, and with limited exceptions, the results are not good.

We have too many literal and metaphorical wars that are draining resources, hope, integrity, and humanity.

In America we’ve got our war on terrorism, a war on drugs, a war on illegal immigration, and no doubt a war on climate change is just around the corner.

Around the globe we see ethnic, religious, racial, gender, cultural and political conflict on all continents.

We are warring inside of ourselves - warring in our homes - warring in our polarized political debates, ideological struggles and cultural battles - warring for dominance in resources, religion, economics and ideas - warring in ghettos, prisons, corporate board rooms and presidential mansions for turf, honor, respect, vendetta and treasure.

Even though fighting is a superficial sign of strength, at a more basic level it’s a reflection of a deep sense of weakness, vulnerability and threat.

It’s time to remember that only love can melt hatred and heal violence.

When love is backed by authentic and principled power and a willingness to strike in defense and protection - good things can happen.

This means loving people who hate and fight me - even as I defend myself and my people.

There’s enough to go around as long as we’re not too greedy.

And as long as large percentages of humans are courageous enough to transcend to a new level of humanity.

But we’re stuck in survival mode.

Instead of finding ways to work together and live together, we’re focused on fighting for bounty, security, honor and respect for self, family, tribe, nation.

And so is everyone else. Which is why we find ourselves in the midst of the conflict madhouse we call planet earth.

This is not why we are here.

We are a powerful and caring species with major weaknesses. We are caught up defending our weaknesses rather than building our true natures.

We are passing through a period of uncertainty and a survival struggle that’s inviting us to radically change how we relate - to honor and transcend our differences - to find the humanity of the other.

Conflict is telling us it’s time to evolve.

We are being asked to wake up.

How we do conflict and violence is one of the canaries in our global coal mine along with species extinction, ecosystem decline and weather extremes.

Imagine.

Everyone having enough food to eat, good shelter, lots of love and the freedom to be.

Cleaning up the planet of all the toxins we’ve put into it.

Focusing on feeding, clothing and educating all kids.

Investing huge resources on building economies and businesses that deliver meaningful products, dignified work for large numbers of people and a new relationship with planet earth.

Women being able to walk safely everywhere.

Kids playing to their hearts content everywhere.

Men focused on constructive building projects everywhere.

Respecting elders and helping them age and die with honor, dignity and respect.

The time is now to re-imagine the future.

But we’re so absorbed in polarized conflict we can’t even begin to focus on the things we need to do together.

We make huge investments in war, fighting, violence, bigotry and corruption. It’s time to make equal if not superior investments in humanizing economies and relationships.

This is not to suggest that fighting and warring will become a thing of the past. It means that we desperately need to balance out warring and fighting with more constructive pursuits.

Why the madness at this point in time?

Conflict is always a symptom of other forces at work.

It is the natural friction that comes when divergent forces of nature intersect. The tenor and type of conflict depends on the energy and character of the forces that come together.

Our current conflict dynamic, like any conflict situation, is reflective of historic forces intersecting and informing present reality.

It’s a symptom of individual and collective wounding that has been around for a long time and is cycling back to haunt us.

It’s a symptom of imbalances in power and the willingness to use power to subjugate, dominate, oppress, enslave and enrich at the expense of others.

It’s a symptom of fundamentalist belief systems of all kinds and creeds - where my truth is the only truth!

Its a symptom of stress, poverty and hopelessness.

It’s a symptom of competition without caring.

It’s a symptom of separation from and dominion over the feminine and nature.

It’s a symptom of trauma and corruption.

It’s a symptom of rapid change and dehumanizing technologies.

We are seeing what happens when unattended to trauma turns into fear, rage, despair and violence.

It’s easy to believe things will never change. If we believe that, they never will.

It’s time to shift our consciousness about conflict - and through conflict our way of seeing ourselves, each other, planet earth and the great mystery at the core of life.

It’s easy to point the finger at the other guy and say—it’s him, it’s her, it’s them. The truth is, it’s all of us.

We’re all connected, all part of a planetary system that’s in high stress mode desperately seeking a more peaceful balance.

Use conflict as a reminder of what’s most important.

Ultimately, we’ve got a choice with conflict - do we allow it to bring us down into the gutter of negativity or do we use it as an opportunity, a reminder, to focus on what’s really important - cultivating life, love, freedom, dignity, respect, shelter, food, relationships, nature, water, air and abundance?

Take responsibility.

Stop pointing fingers, stop blaming someone else, stop saying we’re all connected but acting as if we were separate. Each time one of us takes responsibility for our part of any conflict the madness stops, it transforms itself into an opportunity for creativity, growth and greater alignment with who we really are individually and collectively.

Tap conflict’s creative genius.

It’s time we deepen our understanding of conflict so that we are able to see it’s fullness, it’s tragic destructiveness along with it’s creative genius.

He sat and he withered
3 years of wood agony
The cruel weather of a midtown balcony and man’s neglect

He was reborn in a twist of fate
Uncovered from a 3-inch facade of rot

He emerged
In quiet convergence
With Cristo in the Park

Passing through orange blankets of monkish calm
Urban dancing
Temporary, forever, burned in memory
To the edge of knowing

Where mystery lay
Every step fresh
Bang bang of time
Clouds of mist
Wind, snow, sun
Blowing free

Into another world
Creatures climb in swift embracing unison

Mother and daughters
Father and sons
Brothers, sisters, children, friends, lovers, enemies all roll through gates

Floating on flags
Slung by slingshot

Into a place
Where the only thing we know is the grace of shape, light and form
A magic of the regular kind

Central Park Black Cherry

Found sometime someplace

Carved in harmony with the Gates

Winter 2005

There’s an art and a mastery to being the eye of the storm.

But for most people most of the time, the clarity, strength and confidence we need to turn conflict creative requires time and space away from the situation. Time to decompress, think clearly, get courageous, consider courses of action, and prepare for engagement, disengagement or whatever else is called for in the situation.

Retreat is often understood as a sign of weakness. In fact, retreat is a sign of strength. A sign that we are confident enough to walk away, to gather, to regroup, to see with perspective and clarity, and to tap the creativity that’s required to transform conflict and other challenges into growth opportunities.

Retreat is not a luxury. For most conflict it’s an absolute requirement that prevents us from making things worse and offers the opportunity access the internal knowing that necessary to move forward in a constructive and productive way.

Tips for Strategic Retreat

Take Time and Space Away from the Storm

However much you need. If you’re thinking “there is no time and no space…” Go a little deeper and make it happen. Even if it’s a few moments and the space you create is inside of yourself while you’re traveling quietly from one place to another. Focus on your breath and just become aware of the truth inside of you.

Use Your Time and Space Wisely

• Relax enough so that you’re thinking clearly - go somewhere to be - do something you love and is healthy for you - find an outlet for the emotion or energy you’re feeling from the conflict - listen deeply for what you really need - learn how to breath - and then breath.
• See the conflict fully - understand it from your perspective and try to see it from the others’ point of view - what are the specific points of friction - what is really motivating and driving the conflict?
• Take responsibility for your part of the conflict - even if it seems like it’s all the other person’s fault - there is a power that gets unleashed when we take responsibility.
• Get clear on what’s not your responsibility - and what you’d like the other person or people to take responsibility for - and how you want to communicate this to them without exploding matters?
• Consider the costs of the conflict - economic costs, emotional costs, relationships costs - and then ask yourself: how motivated am I to shift things?
• Consider the creative potentials if the conflict works out well - this is often the hardest thing for us to do - hint - the creativity is hidden amidst the destructiveness - it tends to be associated with an alleviation of the costs of conflict, or in using the conflict as an opportunity to change things that are stuck and need to shift - sometimes the creativity in conflict comes out of thin air with a simple yet powerful refusal to accept the status quo - sometimes it comes via a choice to move beyond the fracture of conflict into the wholeness, beauty and peace that is possible even amidst the chaos and destruction.
• Imagine the conflict working out well - what does that look like? What is 1 thing you can do to get on that path?
• Complete my Conflict Assessment Tool- and begin to see the situation more fully than you ever imagined.

Integrate Retreat Wisdom

What you learn in retreat needs to be integrated into how you actually deal with conflict - even if this means choosing to move beyond the relationship at the core of conflict. Integration of retreat wisdom into real-life action requires personal intention, discipline and sometimes a personal practice that brings wholeness to the otherwise fractured nature of conflicted relations. For guidance on wholeness practice - take the Time and Space Challenge .

Get Support

Friends, advisors, mentors, family and colleagues can be a great resource for conflict. Or, they can contribute to making things worse. Choose wisely who you ask for support. And prepare them for what you really want - advise? someone to listen? something else?

It’s hard to go wrong as long as your intention is clear - to give yourself time and space to get clear and to find your way beyond stress and fear and into creativity.

Animal Magic being carved in Riverside Park, NYC 2006

White Oak from Upstate NY

Sometimes the best approach to conflict is the non-rational one. We can’t always figure it out.

Sometimes we need to tap the animal, the instinctive, the heart, the gut, the backbone.

Sometimes we need to relax or walk or challenge the fear with love.

Sometimes we need to fight and then get on with it. Like animals.

Inspired by our powerful little boy Noah

His mama Alana who carried him and loves him

And the Crow who woke me a week before his arrival

Fallen cherry tree from Upstate NY

A work in progress
A labor of love
Transcendent conflict

Conflict is Energy

Conflict is a Mirror of Our Inner and Outer Worlds

Conflict is Telling Us that Change is Ready to Happen

Conflict Transformation is Fueled by Creativity

We are Here to Heal Conflict

Conflict is a Spiritual Journey

It’s time to see conflict with new eyes. Conflict is more than just an endless story of suffering and struggle. There’s a creative genius in conflict that’s ready, at any time, to reveal its’ secrets to us. And the way to ensure that conflict can serve us in this way is to embrace the first, most important, and most powerful conflict principle - conflict is a great teacher.

Conflict is a great teacher means that conflict is in our world for a reason — it’s a cosmic reality that’s here to help us grow and evolve. Conflict is a great teacher means that conflict is not an enemy to be annihilated or avoided—it’s an ally that’s asking us to engage it with the utmost respect and care.

So, how can conflict be a great teacher in the most practical of terms? A conflict with a noisy neighbor might be teaching us the basic value of patience, that perfect harmony doesn’t necessarily exist and sometimes we have to work at it. It reminds us of the value of peace in the home, and it may be teaching us to treat others with dignity and respect - even if it’s not reciprocated.

And how is conflict with terrorists a great teacher? It is likely teaching us about humility - and about the sanctity of life. It teaches us how painful violence really is, how powerful rage and fear can be, and how desperate we can become. It teaches us to take responsibility, to develop strength beyond the sword, and for some it teaches us
how important it is to live every day as if it were the last. Conflict with terrorism reminds us how connected we really are – despite how separate we might want to be, and that right and wrong is often quite subjective.

Conflict is a great teacher means when you have an argument with your loved one there is something for you to learn – something deep and compelling that will propel you forward in your life and relationships. It teaches us that we can’t always get what we want. It asks us to be open and compassionate. It reminds us of the power of listening deeply to the truth of a partner, and speaking truth to a partner. And it alerts us that conflicting truths can co-exist, and somehow be reconciled.

Even a conflict within oneself can be a great teacher. If we have a conflict around thinking we should be making more money or have a bigger house, it may be teaching us about the power of shame and fear to paralyze action. It reminds us how desire and competition can steal away our happiness and dignity. It urges us to have gratitude for the present reality of life – whatever it might be. And it shows us how our want for more things attempts unsuccessfully to fill a void left by spiritual disconnection.

With conflict, as with any great teacher, the challenge is to receive the wisdom that’s offered. This requires talking less and listening more. And instead of listening for ways to win at conflict or protect ourselves in the face of it – if we listen for ways to learn and grow - we transition from the old paradigm of conflict to a new one – from the path of fear, violence and retribution to the path of courage, hope and sense of purpose.

Consider a current conflict in your life.

How do you view it? Do you see it as a pain in the neck? A nuisance? Stressful? A threat to survival?

What would happen if you stopped trying to be right – what if you stopped talking and listened as you were in the presence of a great teacher?

How would it enlighten you? Help you to grow? Expand your limits for compassion? Make you a stronger and more tolerant person? Protect yourself and your loved ones? Help you to be more creative in the world?

When we are able to see conflict as a teacher, we shift away from destructiveness and towards constructive creativity. It takes time and willingness. But the rewards are well worth it.

Try it out for a week…

Every conflict that comes your way…don’t react…intentionally try to use the conflict as an opportunity not to respond to…to get some space from it…

And then when you’re alone or with a close ally, ask…

What is this conflict here to teach me?

Am I willing to open myself to the lessons?

What is it asking me to think or do differently?

JK