There’s an art and a mastery to being the eye of the storm.

But for most people most of the time, the clarity, strength and confidence we need to turn conflict creative requires time and space away from the situation. Time to decompress, think clearly, get courageous, consider courses of action, and prepare for engagement, disengagement or whatever else is called for in the situation.

Retreat is often understood as a sign of weakness. In fact, retreat is a sign of strength. A sign that we are confident enough to walk away, to gather, to regroup, to see with perspective and clarity, and to tap the creativity that’s required to transform conflict and other challenges into growth opportunities.

Retreat is not a luxury. For most conflict it’s an absolute requirement that prevents us from making things worse and offers the opportunity access the internal knowing that necessary to move forward in a constructive and productive way.

Tips for Strategic Retreat

Take Time and Space Away from the Storm

However much you need. If you’re thinking “there is no time and no space…” Go a little deeper and make it happen. Even if it’s a few moments and the space you create is inside of yourself while you’re traveling quietly from one place to another. Focus on your breath and just become aware of the truth inside of you.

Use Your Time and Space Wisely

• Relax enough so that you’re thinking clearly – go somewhere to be – do something you love and is healthy for you – find an outlet for the emotion or energy you’re feeling from the conflict – listen deeply for what you really need – learn how to breath – and then breath.
• See the conflict fully – understand it from your perspective and try to see it from the others’ point of view – what are the specific points of friction – what is really motivating and driving the conflict?
• Take responsibility for your part of the conflict - even if it seems like it’s all the other person’s fault – there is a power that gets unleashed when we take responsibility.
• Get clear on what’s not your responsibility – and what you’d like the other person or people to take responsibility for – and how you want to communicate this to them without exploding matters?
• Consider the costs of the conflict – economic costs, emotional costs, relationships costs – and then ask yourself: how motivated am I to shift things?
• Consider the creative potentials if the conflict works out well - this is often the hardest thing for us to do – hint – the creativity is hidden amidst the destructiveness – it tends to be associated with an alleviation of the costs of conflict, or in using the conflict as an opportunity to change things that are stuck and need to shift – sometimes the creativity in conflict comes out of thin air with a simple yet powerful refusal to accept the status quo – sometimes it comes via a choice to move beyond the fracture of conflict into the wholeness, beauty and peace that is possible even amidst the chaos and destruction.
• Imagine the conflict working out well – what does that look like? What is 1 thing you can do to get on that path?
• Complete my Conflict Assessment Tool- and begin to see the situation more fully than you ever imagined.

Integrate Retreat Wisdom

What you learn in retreat needs to be integrated into how you actually deal with conflict – even if this means choosing to move beyond the relationship at the core of conflict. Integration of retreat wisdom into real-life action requires personal intention, discipline and sometimes a personal practice that brings wholeness to the otherwise fractured nature of conflicted relations. For guidance on wholeness practice – take the Time and Space Challenge .

Get Support

Friends, advisors, mentors, family and colleagues can be a great resource for conflict. Or, they can contribute to making things worse. Choose wisely who you ask for support. And prepare them for what you really want – advise? someone to listen? something else?

It’s hard to go wrong as long as your intention is clear – to give yourself time and space to get clear and to find your way beyond stress and fear and into creativity.

Conflict is Energy

Conflict is a Mirror of Our Inner and Outer Worlds

Conflict is Telling Us that Change is Ready to Happen

Conflict Transformation is Fueled by Creativity

We are Here to Heal Conflict

Conflict is a Spiritual Journey

It’s time to see conflict with new eyes. Conflict is more than just an endless story of suffering and struggle. There’s a creative genius in conflict that’s ready, at any time, to reveal its’ secrets to us. And the way to ensure that conflict can serve us in this way is to embrace the first, most important, and most powerful conflict principle – conflict is a great teacher.

Conflict is a great teacher means that conflict is in our world for a reason — it’s a cosmic reality that’s here to help us grow and evolve. Conflict is a great teacher means that conflict is not an enemy to be annihilated or avoided—it’s an ally that’s asking us to engage it with the utmost respect and care.

So, how can conflict be a great teacher in the most practical of terms? A conflict with a noisy neighbor might be teaching us the basic value of patience, that perfect harmony doesn’t necessarily exist and sometimes we have to work at it. It reminds us of the value of peace in the home, and it may be teaching us to treat others with dignity and respect – even if it’s not reciprocated.

And how is conflict with terrorists a great teacher? It is likely teaching us about humility – and about the sanctity of life. It teaches us how painful violence really is, how powerful rage and fear can be, and how desperate we can become. It teaches us to take responsibility, to develop strength beyond the sword, and for some it teaches us
how important it is to live every day as if it were the last. Conflict with terrorism reminds us how connected we really are – despite how separate we might want to be, and that right and wrong is often quite subjective.

Conflict is a great teacher means when you have an argument with your loved one there is something for you to learn – something deep and compelling that will propel you forward in your life and relationships. It teaches us that we can’t always get what we want. It asks us to be open and compassionate. It reminds us of the power of listening deeply to the truth of a partner, and speaking truth to a partner. And it alerts us that conflicting truths can co-exist, and somehow be reconciled.

Even a conflict within oneself can be a great teacher. If we have a conflict around thinking we should be making more money or have a bigger house, it may be teaching us about the power of shame and fear to paralyze action. It reminds us how desire and competition can steal away our happiness and dignity. It urges us to have gratitude for the present reality of life – whatever it might be. And it shows us how our want for more things attempts unsuccessfully to fill a void left by spiritual disconnection.

With conflict, as with any great teacher, the challenge is to receive the wisdom that’s offered. This requires talking less and listening more. And instead of listening for ways to win at conflict or protect ourselves in the face of it – if we listen for ways to learn and grow – we transition from the old paradigm of conflict to a new one – from the path of fear, violence and retribution to the path of courage, hope and sense of purpose.

Consider a current conflict in your life.

How do you view it? Do you see it as a pain in the neck? A nuisance? Stressful? A threat to survival?

What would happen if you stopped trying to be right – what if you stopped talking and listened as you were in the presence of a great teacher?

How would it enlighten you? Help you to grow? Expand your limits for compassion? Make you a stronger and more tolerant person? Protect yourself and your loved ones? Help you to be more creative in the world?

When we are able to see conflict as a teacher, we shift away from destructiveness and towards constructive creativity. It takes time and willingness. But the rewards are well worth it.

Try it out for a week…

Every conflict that comes your way…don’t react…intentionally try to use the conflict as an opportunity not to respond to…to get some space from it…

And then when you’re alone or with a close ally, ask…

What is this conflict here to teach me?

Am I willing to open myself to the lessons?

What is it asking me to think or do differently?

JK