It’s virtually impossible to think clearly in the midst of conflict.

There’s an art and a mastery to being the eye of the storm.

But for most people most of the time, the clarity, strength and confidence we need to turn conflict creative requires time and space away from the situation. Time to decompress, think clearly, get courageous, consider courses of action, and prepare for engagement, disengagement or whatever else is called for in the situation.

Retreat is often understood as a sign of weakness. In fact, retreat is a sign of strength. A sign that we are confident enough to walk away, to gather, to regroup, to see with perspective and clarity, and to tap the creativity that’s required to transform conflict and other challenges into growth opportunities.

Retreat is not a luxury. For most conflict it’s an absolute requirement that prevents us from making things worse and offers the opportunity access the internal knowing that necessary to move forward in a constructive and productive way.

Tips for Strategic Retreat

Take Time and Space Away from the Storm

However much you need. If you’re thinking “there is no time and no space…” Go a little deeper and make it happen. Even if it’s a few moments and the space you create is inside of yourself while you’re traveling quietly from one place to another. Focus on your breath and just become aware of the truth inside of you.

Use Your Time and Space Wisely

• Relax enough so that you’re thinking clearly – go somewhere to be – do something you love and is healthy for you – find an outlet for the emotion or energy you’re feeling from the conflict – listen deeply for what you really need – learn how to breath – and then breath.
• See the conflict fully – understand it from your perspective and try to see it from the others’ point of view – what are the specific points of friction – what is really motivating and driving the conflict?
• Take responsibility for your part of the conflict - even if it seems like it’s all the other person’s fault – there is a power that gets unleashed when we take responsibility.
• Get clear on what’s not your responsibility – and what you’d like the other person or people to take responsibility for – and how you want to communicate this to them without exploding matters?
• Consider the costs of the conflict – economic costs, emotional costs, relationships costs – and then ask yourself: how motivated am I to shift things?
• Consider the creative potentials if the conflict works out well - this is often the hardest thing for us to do – hint – the creativity is hidden amidst the destructiveness – it tends to be associated with an alleviation of the costs of conflict, or in using the conflict as an opportunity to change things that are stuck and need to shift – sometimes the creativity in conflict comes out of thin air with a simple yet powerful refusal to accept the status quo – sometimes it comes via a choice to move beyond the fracture of conflict into the wholeness, beauty and peace that is possible even amidst the chaos and destruction.
• Imagine the conflict working out well – what does that look like? What is 1 thing you can do to get on that path?
• Complete my Conflict Assessment Tool- and begin to see the situation more fully than you ever imagined.

Integrate Retreat Wisdom

What you learn in retreat needs to be integrated into how you actually deal with conflict – even if this means choosing to move beyond the relationship at the core of conflict. Integration of retreat wisdom into real-life action requires personal intention, discipline and sometimes a personal practice that brings wholeness to the otherwise fractured nature of conflicted relations. For guidance on wholeness practice – take the Time and Space Challenge .

Get Support

Friends, advisors, mentors, family and colleagues can be a great resource for conflict. Or, they can contribute to making things worse. Choose wisely who you ask for support. And prepare them for what you really want – advise? someone to listen? something else?

It’s hard to go wrong as long as your intention is clear – to give yourself time and space to get clear and to find your way beyond stress and fear and into creativity.