We are taught many things about conflict—how to fight it, avoid it, or deal with it so it doesn’t hurt us too badly. We’re taught that conflict is a necessary evil, so we better learn to manage it, resolve it, or at best, make it go away. Oddly enough, most of what we learn about conflict leads to more of it. That’s because we’ve been taught to notice only one side of conflict – the destructive side. This negative aspect of conflict is only half the story. The other half of the story is this – conflict has tremendous creative power.

It’s time to see conflict with new eyes. Conflict is more than just an endless story of suffering and struggle. There’s a creative genius in conflict that’s ready, at any time, to reveal its’ secrets to us. And the way to ensure that conflict can serve us in this way is to embrace the first, most important, and most powerful conflict principle - conflict is a great teacher.

Conflict is a great teacher means that conflict is in our world for a reason — it’s a cosmic reality that’s here to help us grow and evolve. Conflict is a great teacher means that conflict is not an enemy to be annihilated or avoided—it’s an ally that’s asking us to engage it with the utmost respect and care.

So, how can conflict be a great teacher in the most practical of terms? A conflict with a noisy neighbor might be teaching us the basic value of patience, that perfect harmony doesn’t necessarily exist and sometimes we have to work at it. It reminds us of the value of peace in the home, and it may be teaching us to treat others with dignity and respect - even if it’s not reciprocated.

And how is conflict with terrorists a great teacher? It is likely teaching us about humility - and about the sanctity of life. It teaches us how painful violence really is, how powerful rage and fear can be, and how desperate we can become. It teaches us to take responsibility, to develop strength beyond the sword, and for some it teaches us
how important it is to live every day as if it were the last. Conflict with terrorism reminds us how connected we really are – despite how separate we might want to be, and that right and wrong is often quite subjective.

Conflict is a great teacher means when you have an argument with your loved one there is something for you to learn – something deep and compelling that will propel you forward in your life and relationships. It teaches us that we can’t always get what we want. It asks us to be open and compassionate. It reminds us of the power of listening deeply to the truth of a partner, and speaking truth to a partner. And it alerts us that conflicting truths can co-exist, and somehow be reconciled.

Even a conflict within oneself can be a great teacher. If we have a conflict around thinking we should be making more money or have a bigger house, it may be teaching us about the power of shame and fear to paralyze action. It reminds us how desire and competition can steal away our happiness and dignity. It urges us to have gratitude for the present reality of life – whatever it might be. And it shows us how our want for more things attempts unsuccessfully to fill a void left by spiritual disconnection.

With conflict, as with any great teacher, the challenge is to receive the wisdom that’s offered. This requires talking less and listening more. And instead of listening for ways to win at conflict or protect ourselves in the face of it – if we listen for ways to learn and grow - we transition from the old paradigm of conflict to a new one – from the path of fear, violence and retribution to the path of courage, hope and sense of purpose.

Consider a current conflict in your life.

How do you view it? Do you see it as a pain in the neck? A nuisance? Stressful? A threat to survival?

What would happen if you stopped trying to be right – what if you stopped talking and listened as you were in the presence of a great teacher?

How would it enlighten you? Help you to grow? Expand your limits for compassion? Make you a stronger and more tolerant person? Protect yourself and your loved ones? Help you to be more creative in the world?

When we are able to see conflict as a teacher, we shift away from destructiveness and towards constructive creativity. It takes time and willingness. But the rewards are well worth it.

Try it out for a week…

Every conflict that comes your way…don’t react…intentionally try to use the conflict as an opportunity not to respond to…to get some space from it…

And then when you’re alone or with a close ally, ask…

What is this conflict here to teach me?

Am I willing to open myself to the lessons?

What is it asking me to think or do differently?

JK